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Fusions That Should Never Be #VI:

This one is much, much shorter than my usual FTSNB. Sorry. I'd say it's more spamfic in size, but it probably has earned the Fusion That Should Never Be title to it because, well, it really is a fusion that should never be.

Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at [sommert@connecttime.net]

Disclaimer: I do not own Yokohama Quiet Country Café or the series it's been fused with. I'd like it to be a surprise, so the real disclaimer is in the author's notes.

Morning had turned to early afternoon by the time Alpha had finished setting up the café for business. A fuse had blown out just as she started preparing things, and it had taken the better portion of a half hour to track down the box the extras were stored in. By the time she had replaced the fuse, precious time had been lost. Working diligently — as though the human-looking robot worked in any other way — the café was finally open. Now she stood patiently by the counter waiting for her first customer of the day.

Alpha had barely enough time to finish a cup of coffee when a rumble declared her wait over. She could hear several separate engines, very loud ones. A group of customers, then. She moved toward the front of the dining area, a couple of meters from the doorway, to greet her impending customers with a smile.

The door to the café flew inward, torn off its hinges. A giant of a man, nearly seven feet tall, stood in the door frame. It was obvious he had massive muscles, since he wore nothing under his open leather vest. His tall bright pink and blue Mohawk haircut was tall enough to scrape the doorway. Several other figures, every bit as tall and muscular, hovered close behind him.

His piercing gaze looked down at the smaller Alpha and a wolfish grin spread across his face. "Well, well, well. Look here, boys. It's a babe just waiting for us."

Alpha continued smiling warmly at him. "Why, thank you. I'm Alpha and I'll be your waitress this afternoon. However, before I can seat you, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to reimburse us for the door you destroyed."

The giant snarled. "A mouthy one, eh? I was going to treat you nice and rape you, but if you're going to have that kind of snotty attitude, I'm going to kill you instead."

Alpha's smile weakened slightly. "I'd advise against that. I am programmed to defend myself."

"Defend against this!" The man brought out a huge hand axe that had been hidden behind him, tucked in his waistband. He swung it in a huge overhand arc, intent on splitting Alpha in two.

Alpha side-stepped the blow, allowing the axe to bury itself in the café's wooden floorboards. She tapped the man on his forehead with a single finger, then drew back.

The giant pulled his axe out of the ground. "Nimble bitch, aren't you? Well I—"

"Oh, I hope I remembered to pick up extra bleach when I was in town," Alpha said fretfully.

The man shivered in fury. "Pay attention! I'm going to kill—" Again he was brought up short, this time by the area of the forehead Alpha had touched swelling like a balloon. It continued growing larger, the man crying out in animalistic pain. His cries ceased as that area of his head exploded like a giant zit, sending out blood, bone, and gore everywhere in a spray that covered everything. Once the initial spray ended, his body collapsed limply to the ground.

Alpha turned to the others. "Now that that's taken care of, can I take your orders? I recommend the house blend. I hand grind it fresh myself everyday."

"Get her!" one of the others shouted.

Alpha sighed. "I was afraid you'd say that."

Business was slow, so the old man had decided to take a break from working his garage/gas station and grab a cup of Alpha's coffee. It was the best in all of Yokohama. He wandered into the café and came to an abrupt halt, taking in the sight of blood and viscera spread all over the place. Alpha stood in the center of it all, dressed in an apron and covered nearly head-to-toe in blood as she scrubbed the floors furiously.

"Morning, Alpha. I see you had company," the old man said nonchalantly.

Alpha looked up from her work. "It's the third time this month. I've had more gangs attack this place than customers looking for a bite to eat."

The old man walked closer, finding a few oases free of gore on the floor. "It's a good thing your café is at the outskirts of town. I shudder to think of what would happen if any of these psychotic thugs ever made it into town."

"I shudder to think of what's going to happen if I don't get some customers that aren't trying to kill me, especially since those ones usually end up wrecking the place."

The old man considered that. "Tell you what. I'll take the bikes off your hands. I can get a good price for them. That should cover the damage and leave you a little ahead. By the way, I think you missed a spleen."


"Under that table there."

Alpha looked in the direction he was pointing. "That's a kidney. Spleens are shaped differently and are darker in color." Alpha stopped cleaning and sighed. "I hope Master Kenshiro finds his girlfriend and gets back soon. Running the Fist of the North Star Country Café is stressful, bloody work."


Author's notes: Yes, it's a Fist of the North Star / Yokohama Quiet Country Café fusion. Hey, both series take place in a post apocalyptic world where civilization isn't what it was. They both center on characters on quests. One's just more… violent than the other. Why, they're practically identical. I'm just glad I managed to get the fusion done before anyone else grabbed the idea.

Hokuto no Ken (Fist of the North Star) belongs to Tetsuo Hara, Yoshiyuki Okamura (a.k.a. Bronson), Shonen Jump, Toei Animation, Gutsoon Entertainment, Manga Video (dubbed), and Streamline Pictures (subtitled). Yokohama Kaidashi Kikou belongs to Hitoshi Ashinano, Kodansha, and Sony Music Entertainment.

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