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A Ranma ½ story
by D.B. Sommer

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.

Any and all C+C is appreciated. You can contact me at sommer@3rdm.net

Yes, the title was inspired from the AMV 'Failed Experiments in Video Editing.' But it has nothing to do with the actual video or Cowboy Bebop. And I assure you, it's as the title implies, only meant to be a silly thing.

Kasumi Tendou entered the backyard, adjusting the empty clothes basket so it was tucked firmly under her arm. She hummed a pleasant tune meant only for her own ears. It was rare that she had the home to herself. Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki were at school, and her father and Mr. Saotome had to attend some meeting with a local neighborhood group. Since the members of the group always went out drinking after a meeting, that left Kasumi plenty of time to do chores without anyone getting in the way.

Kasumi reached the clothesline and noted several of the clothespins held nothing. "Oh dear. Happosai seems to have stolen all of the women's underwear again." It made collecting and folding the clothing easier, since there was less of it, but there were always complications. A perfect example was like when she had to go out and it rained and she hadn't brought along an umbrella. Everyone tended to stare, although she always got the best prices from the male vendors when haggling over wares. It was probably because they felt sorry for her since she had no undergarments to wear. It was nice to know people could be so sympathetic.

Still, a slight pout marred her usually placid features. "I do wish he'd stop taking our underwear, though."

The clouds parted and a glowing ball of white light descended from the heavens. It shone like a star as it raced through the sky, heading straight for the Tendou backyard. Kasumi merely stood there as the ball stopped less than a meter from her head.

The light dimmed, revealing a soccerball sized sphere with a perfectly mirrored surface. It hovered there for a handful of moments, reflecting a distorted version of Kasumi's image. Then with a sudden pop it disappeared, revealing a small creature that closely resembled a teddy bear.

Well, it would have resembled a teddy bear, save for the unruly tangle of tawny hair that hung from its head all the way to its barbed tail. And the segmented armor hide. And the elongated claws that looked like they could shear through steel. And the large, salivating maw with disproportionately huge fangs. Actually it didn't look much like a teddy bear at all, except the fact it was an animal of some kind and it was the right size for one.

The creature gave off a loud, "Brackgaugh!"

"Bless you," Kasumi said.

"Actually that's my name," it clarified.

"I see." Kasumi said, "If you're looking for Ranma, he's not here. He's at school. I can give you directions if you'd like." Kasumi always tried to help when Ranma's friends dropped by looking for him.

Saliva dripped from the creature's mouth as it snarled out, "You are the one I seek."

"Me?" Kasumi asked. That was a surprise. No one came to see her, except for door-to-door salesmen.

"Yes." The creature's claws made a 'snickity-snick' sound as the clacked together. "I have heard your request and have come to grant you the ability to make your wishes come true."

Kasumi smiled beatifically. "That's very nice of you to offer. How is it you intend to do that, though?"

"By bestowing upon you magical powers far beyond those of your ilk."

"You mean make me a magical girl?"

"You got it."

"Why me?" Kasumi asked. "Is it because I am the reincarnation of great and mighty queen from the past and I — as well as my also reincarnated comrades — are destined to bring a reign of peace to Earth the likes of which have never been seen?"

"Now you're being just plain silly."

Kasumi bowed. "Sorry about that. That happened to a friend of mine back in Junior High. I just assumed it was a standard thing for all magical girls. But aren't magical girls usually a bit younger than me?"

"Bah! Younger girls would not be able to use the powers I will give you either wisely or effectively. You have been chosen because you have the highest potential to accept the power and use it to the greatest of your abilities. There is also the fact that your yard was directly below the entry portal to this realm and you're the first person I saw. I heard your wish about seeking power to make right the world, so I have come forth to give the ability to do so unto you."

'That's very kind of you."

Brackgaugh shrugged. "What can I say? It's my job."

Kasumi, now more excited than any time in recent memory, save for the liquidation sale on rice Mr. Ootoki had last week, said, "Will I get a magical locket that can change me into a fuku-clad heroine of justice? And will it have heart-shaped attacks that I can use by shouting out 'Pretty Love Chain Melody'?"

"Even better!" Brackgaugh laughed hard, then summoned a small mirrored ball of energy in his hands. He let it float up in front of Kasumi's eyes. "Grab onto it, say 'Unto Me The Great Power', and receive the power you so richly deserve."

Kasumi did so, speaking the words, and a glow consumed her body. The ball changed its form as she grasped it. It had the touch of cold metal, and it formed a hilt for her to grab onto. One side of it became elongated, becoming more slender as it grew to nearly a meter in length. Jagged projections lined one side of the instrument, while the other maintained a keen razor-sharp edge.

Kasumi felt her body changing. She became several centimeters taller, and felt her mass increase tremendously. Her body become larger, all of the additional mass was well-defined muscle backed by more strength than even it should have given her. Her hair lengthened and became a thick tawny mess, like Brackgaugh's was. And her bust grew to very impressive proportions.

The changes were not restricted to her body. Kasumi could feel her outfit changing as well. Whereas before it was a simple, if plain, dress, it changed. She could feel the material transmute from normal cotton to a sort of smooth mix of vinyl and leather. Metal bracers and leg guards formed, hosting a number of sharpened spikes along their surfaces. The material also retreated from sections of her body. The largest openings started below the metal collar she now found around her neck. The material slowly parted downward as though there was a zipper that was being manipulated by invisible hands. She could feel back and front moving in conjunction with one another as they made their way down her body, the top continuously revealing increasing amounts of flesh as the line continued its path downward past her stomach. It only stopped a handful of centimeters above her crotch, forming a giant 'V' of flesh in the middle of her body. From the way the wind caressed her back, she could feel it was in a similar, near indecent state.

And then it was over. Kasumi the magical girl stood revealed before the world.

"Now you're a hottie," Brackgaugh confirmed.

Kasumi's tongue played over something that was slightly different about her mouth. "I seem to have fangs."

"They aren't as cute as mine, but they'll do."

"I'm not sure this is the sort of outfit I envisioned," Kasumi admitted. Curiously, she was not cold, despite so much of her being unprotected from the bite in the air.

Brackgaugh scoffed. "None of that fuku crap for my Magical Girl. We're going with something that cries out, 'When I say you're going to end up punished, you end up punished'. It goes great with a name like Magical Girl Bloodmaker. Fear, not Love, is the message we're sending."

"Oh my, that doesn't sound very nice. I don't care for that name at all. Couldn't we go for something a little nicer. Something that doesn't involve blood?"

Brackgaugh scowled. "Nope. I'm dead set on the name. It'll give you the psychological edge when you tear into your opponents."

Giving up on the name change, Kasumi turned her attention to her weapon. "And this appears to be a sword. A very unpleasant looking one. I don't suppose you could give me a wand instead? Preferably something with a heart on the top?"

Again Brackgaugh appear aghast at the idea. "Wands are useless crap when it comes to close quarters combat. Swords are the way to go. Not only can you fend off attacks, but you can conserve energy by slicing through your opponents instead of expending it in magical attacks."

Kasumi picked up a finger-shaped piece of stone from the yard and ran it along the blade. The stone had all the resistance of air as the pieces feel to the ground. "It's very sharp."

"The better to disembowel with, my dear."

Kasumi pouted. Disemboweling people would definitely leave a mess, and she hated messes with a passion. "Couldn't I have something more… blunt?"


"That's not very blunt."

"Oh, I thought you meant blunt in the sense it gets something straight to the point. Waving around a running chainsaw always gets your point across quickly."

Kasumi lamented at her choice of weapon, but it was better than a noisy chainsaw. "What are my magical attacks like?"

Brackgaugh laughed at that. "Nothing but the best. Unlike those other stupid magical animal sidekicks, I'm giving you all of your most awesome attacks right off. First there's 'Bloodstorm Fire'. That makes your opponents' blood boil in their veins. It comes gushing out of them as well."

Kasumi didn't care for Brackgaugh's fixation on blood. "Is there anything less… bloody, I can use?"

"Certainly. Not all of your opponents have blood, so the attack would be useless against them. So when not using your sword, you can always fall back to 'Laser Wire Tornado'. It's an attack which will send monomolecular laser wire out to slice and dice the opposition into tiny pieces."

"I am good at slicing and dicing, but wouldn't cutting people into tiny piece still make blood everywhere?"

"Nah. The laser cauterizes as it cuts."

Kasumi became significantly less thrilled than she had been earlier. "Are there any attacks involving love?"

"Sure there is."

Kasumi clapped her hands in delight. "What is it?"

"'Erotic Ecstasy Release'. With a whip of psionic energy to the head, you can over-stimulate all of an opponent's pleasure spots simultaneously, triggering an orgasm that literally blows their mind."

Kasumi blushed at the nature of the attack, although she admitted it was probably a pleasant way to lose one's life. "How about hearts? Are there any attacks involving hearts?"

"Actually, there is one."

"What is it?"

"'Heartburst Mixer'. With it, you can make an opponent's heart burst in their chest. Very effective, but draining."

"Oh." Kasumi felt downtrodden. "How about allies?"

"You have me." Brackgaugh gave a winsome smile, one that could bite the face off a Doberman.

Kasumi felt decidedly unenthusiastic about that. "How about finding my one true love? That's usually a side benefit in becoming a magical girl."

Brackgaugh grinned lasciviously, the look made frightening by his fangs. "Why settle for one true love? With your powers, you can claim as many men as you want. You can make your own personal harem of love slaves. Hell, with your added stamina and proportions, you'll probably need at least three to satisfy you."

For just a moment, a vision came to Kasumi: one involving Ranma, Ryouga, and Mousse clad only in tiny loincloths, collars with chains leading to her hand, and serving her on hand and foot while she lounged on silken pillows. But then she remembered what her mother had told her about having such dreams, when a young Kasumi mentioned it to her…

"Do you want to become a porno director?" her mother asked.

"I hadn't considered that career opportunity, no. I was thinking something more along the lines of housewife, like you."

"Do you ever want a man?" her mother asked.

"Someday, when I get older," Kasumi said.

"Then don't ever, ever, ever mention that again. Get it out of your mind now, or you'll never get a man. I guarantee they'll all run away as fast as they can."

Kasumi took the advice to heart and did so, with those types of visions only coming to her in dreams from time to time.

"So what do you think? All the men you want?" Brackgaugh inquired.

Kasumi shook her head. "While tempting, I don't think that would be for the best."

Brackgaugh offered. "Well, earlier you made mention of becoming a queen and ruling a kingdom. With these powers, you can do that as well. You can carve out an empire, making the streets awash with the blood of your opponents, breaking their bones and degrading their men. And women too, if you swing that way."

Hesitantly, Kasumi said, "Forgive me for mentioning this, but you seem a bit bloodthirsty for a creature that's supposed to be creating magical girls."

Brackgaugh shrugged. "Hey, you have to change with the times. Hearts and love are out. Sex and violence is in."

Kasumi shook her head. "I'm afraid I'm a bit old fashioned, except for the occasional naughty dream. I'm going to have to turn down your offer."

"Aww." Brackgaugh pouted. Probably. It was hard to tell with the fangs "I think you'd make a great magical girl for the new century."

Kasumi reconsidered, then shook her head. "No, I'm quite certain."

Brackgaugh's shoulder slumped in defeat. "Very well. I shall go. But be aware that you have passed up this once in a lifetime opportunity to change the course of your fate. Never again complain about the life you have, for it was your choice to embark on this path."

Kasumi nodded pleasantly. "Would you like some tea before you go?"

Brackgaugh shook his head. "No thanks, but I appreciate the offer. I'm off to find someone else that might be interested in eviscerating their enemies and sending their body parts to hell." He flew off, completely downtrodden at his failure.

Kasumi waved at him. "Bye-bye, Magical Girl Creating Type Creature. I hope you have better luck next time."

Once he had flown out of sight, Kasumi went back to taking down the dried clothes. It was odd, but for some curious reason, the clotheslines seemed to have sagged from their proper height, and were hanging much lower.

And then Kasumi looked down at herself. "Oh dear."

"I'm telling you, Pop. There's something different about Kasumi."

"And I'm telling you it's just a late growth spurt, boy. It sometimes happens later in life with some girls. Why, I remember your mother hitting one when she was nineteen as well. You should have seen the way her breasts filled out. She went from a B cup to a C—"

Ranma stomped his father in the head. "Quit telling me about perverted stuff! I don't want to think about Mom like that!"

Genma rubbed the sore spot on his temple as he and the rest of the family sat at the table, waiting for dinner. "Have you tried dumping hot water on her to see if she changes?"

"Get real, Pop. It's Kasumi."

"Good point."

Akane shook her head sadly at the duo. "Honestly, Ranma. Kasumi feels like changing her lifestyle a little and you act like it's something sinister."

Nabiki agreed. "Yeah, it's not like she changes gender or anything," she said pointedly to Ranma.

It was at that moment Kasumi entered the room, dressed in her leather outfit and with her sword strapped to her back. She set the trays bearing the food down on the table, and set plates of rice, miso soup, and sukiyaki before everyone. The remaining plate, the one with the four pound loin of beef so rare it was still bleeding, she set in front of her spot. Once she was seated, they began to dig in, Kasumi ripping into the haunch with a speed and fury that put even Genma to shame.

Soun nodded approvingly. "It's nice to see you're eating well, daughter. I was always concerned you ate too little, and were on the thin side."

"Thank you, Father," Kasumi said through a mouthful of raw meat. She turned to Ranma. "By the way, have you been having any problem with youma?"

Ranma looked around at the others, who seemed to take no note of the question. "Ah, no. Why do you ask?"

"Well, if you need any help, just ask. I'll be more than happy to… convince them not to bother you any more."

Ranma warned, "You shouldn't mess with them. Youma are nasty creatures that have terrible powers and absorb people's life force and stuff."

"Bah, they're about as dangerous as giant dust bunnies." Kasumi scoffed, and went back to ripping her side of meat to shreds."

Ranma considered that. "You know something, if I didn't know better, I'd swear you've become some sort of psychotic magical girl or something."

Kasumi laughed and playfully slapped Ranma across the back, an easy feat with her larger arm span. The force of the slap slammed his face into the table, burying it there. "You're so silly, Ranma."

Everyone laughed in agreement with that.


Author's notes: Not meant to be anything other than a cheap laugh. Hope it worked.

Special Thanks to:

  • Gary Ee
  • Jason Liao
Layout, design, & site revisions 2005

Webmaster: Larry F
Last revision: May 21, 2007

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