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A Ranma ½ story
by D.B. Sommer

Not a fusion or crossover with Those Who Hunt Elves. Any similarities between the two names is purely coincidental.


Any and all C+C appreciated. You can contact me at: sommer@3rdm.net

Disclaimer: Ranma ½ and its characters and settings belong to Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and Viz Video.

Chapter 3

"At least things are starting to look up," Ukyou said.

"How can you possibly say that?!" Akane shot back.

"Well, for one thing, we aren't being chased by those C.H.U.D.s anymore, right?"


"That are currently gaining on us!" Kodachi finished for Akane as the gymnast ran with her three comrades headlong down the sewer.

"Okay," Ukyou admitted. "But at least they aren't rabid, like Shampoo said they'd be. Otherwise we'd be in real trouble."

Akane resisted the urge to hit Ukyou. Hard.

Taking a moment to look over her shoulder, Kodachi saw that the pack of albino alligators chasing them had managed to cut the distance separating the groups into half again. Numerous jaws snapped loudly in her direction. Putting on a burst of speed, Kodachi caught up to the leader (meaning the fastest girl until that moment), Akane. "I have an idea. Since I have personal experience in dealing with alligators, I have come up with an ideal way to stop their pursuit of us."

"What is it?" Akane asked.

"If we throw them a large piece of meat, say, a cross-dressing okonomiyaki chef, they will be distracted, and it would give us time to escape."

"Hey!" Ukyou shouted from behind. "I am not some reptile's dinner. Besides, why don't we throw you at them instead?"

"As slender as I am, I would not give them pause for a moment, whereas your posterior alone would have them chewing for hours."

"My butt is not big!" Ukyou unlimbered her spatula and took a swing at the running gymnast.

Akane hoped she made it through the grating first. Then she might be able to shut it on her companions before they climbed out and then she wouldn't have to deal with their constant bickering for the rest of the night.

"I still haven't seen any ninja," Ryouga said

"Keep looking," Ranma ordered as the two of them continued to search the first floor.

Ryouga was about to snap back a reply when he spotted a small, six-inch doll in an exhibit case next to him. It was listed as a 'Doll of One Wish', made by a remote pygmy tribe in the middle of a Vietnamese jungle.

Ryouga shook his head. "But there aren't supposed to be any pygmy tribes in Vietnam."

"There aren't supposed to be any Amazons in China or Conquistadors in New Zealand either, but that doesn't stop them from being there, does it?"

"Good point," Ryouga agreed, before feeling his heart skip a beat as he realized the doll had just spoken to him.

"I must be going crazy," Ryouga muttered under his breath so Ranma, who was at the far side of the vast room, could not hear.

"You cannot become what you already are," the doll assured him.

"Oh," Ryouga felt relieved at the doll's reassurance. "How is it you're talking?"

"Magic," the doll answered. "I'll make you a deal. Release me from this display case, and I'll give you a wish."

"Really?" A wish! This could be Ryouga's one chance to set everything right. He looked over his shoulder to make sure Ranma wasn't nearby. If his lifelong rival found out about the wish, he'd just try to steal it from Ryouga. That meant the lost boy had to move fast. He quickly opened the case and held the doll in his hands. With a wish, he could do anything. It wouldn't be magic like Shampoo used, or even like the magic Cave of Lost Love that Ukyou had employed once. A wish was different. There was no one, not even someone as kind and generous as Akane, who wouldn't use a wish if it was granted to them.

Now all he had to do was figure out what to wish for. Akane's hand in marriage? But what about Akari? Who did he love more? He had to choose the right one. Maybe his love for them was equal, so he should marry them both. But no. Ranma was engaged to Akane, and maybe, in some weird way, Ryouga would end up married to Ranma too which would just spoil everything. Besides, wanting to marry two girls made him sound like Kunou. Maybe he could just wish for all of the girls to like him and then he could pick and choose. But no, that was the sort of thing Ranma would do. Hell, given the number of women that seemed to flock to him, perhaps that was what had already happened, and look at how Ranma's life had turned out.

Now Ryouga began to panic. There were so many things that could go wrong if he made some sort of big scale wish like that. There was no telling how many lives would be messed up, especially his own. He needed to make the wish something personal, so that even if things did go horribly awry he would be the only one that suffered. Money? No. He could attain that without a wish. To waste it on something like that was the sort of thing Nabiki would do. Best to make the wish about something that he could not possibly get through any other means. But what? More confidence? No; he might end up horribly egotistical, like Ranma. Better martial arts? No; it would be just like that stupid Tattoo of the Gods he had gotten once. He would have felt wrong gaining power using that sort of means. So what then?

And then he had it. Something he had always been dissatisfied about and could not change no matter what he did. When he went to public baths, he had always received stares and had snide comments made about him. And the worst part was, they were all true. In order to change it, magic would be the only way. Considering what it was, if something went wrong with the wish, he might end up doomed, but it was a chance he had to take. And if it worked, it might even help him with the confidence problems he had when it came to girls.

Somewhat embarrassed, Ryouga whispered the wish into the doll's ear.

The doll seemed taken aback. "That's what you want to wish for?"

"Yes," Ryouga said resolutely.

"You're absolutely sure?"


"Final answer?"

Ryouga slapped the doll.

"All right then." The doll smiled and cast the wish. It had to admit, considering the small scale of the change, it was easy to do. And since it involved only the boy on a personal level, the whims of magic would not twist it too far out of the context of what the boy wanted, as magic often did when it came to wishes. By definition, there would be some sort of drawback to it since it was demonic magic that had empowered the spell, but due to the insignificance wish, the drawback would be insignificant as well.

Ryouga immediately felt the change in his body. His heart skipped a beat as he unzipped his pants and pulled it out. It had worked! Turning, he shouted "Ranma, take a look at this!"

Ranma, who had wondered what was in Ryouga's hands that had held his interest for so long, had already been walking towards the lost boy and was no more than four feet away when Ryouga turned towards him. Ranma took one look at what Ryouga was showing him and his pigtail shot straight out from the back of his head. He kicked Ryouga in the gut and followed up by giving him a solid punch to the jaw, knocking him to the ground. "Just because I turn into a girl doesn't mean I wanna see that, you sick, disgusting pervert!"

Ryouga laughed weakly from his sprawled out position on the floor. "I'm bigger than you now."

Ranma paused and thought about it for a minute. That was right. Ryouga's was a whole lot bigger than before. Not that Ranma had really looked at Ryouga that way in the past, but it had been so small to begin with, one couldn't help noticing it when they had gone to the community bathhouses together. "How did you do it?"

Ryouga stood up, and pushed the doll in Ranma's face. "It was a wish I got from this thing."

The fires of competition were stoked in Ranma's chest. He immediately ripped the doll out of Ryouga's hands and quickly said to it, "I wish mine was bigger too. At least a couple of inches bigger than Ryouga's. Wait, better make it four. And wider around too."

The doll somehow managed to pry itself from out of Ranma's grasp and leaped to the floor. It looked up at Ranma contemptuously. "Ha! I fulfilled the only spell that compelled me to obey a human and have dispensed my wish. Now I am free of my enchantment and can do whatever I please. Muahahaha!" It started a little dance, then turned back to Ranma. "By the way, I can see the results of a wish before it has been granted. If I had given you yours, all of your girlfriends would have been intimidated by your tremendous size and abandoned you. Apparently even that Amazon girl has limits as to how far she is willing to go to please you."

"This sucks," Ranma said in disgust at the doll. "How come Ryouga gets a wish and I don't?"

"We demons have a saying about situations like this: 'It's because it's your turn to sit on the crapper'." The little doll continued taunting Ranma. "It doesn't matter anyway. His wish is now meaningless since I have been freed of my binding. Now I can now do what I really want and unleash my evil on the world, making every single person on Earth's life miserable. WAHAHAHA!"

Ranma read the plaque under the display case, then turned back to the doll. "Exactly how does a six inch doll make everyone on Earth miserable?"

The doll placed its hands on its tiny hips and sneered. "I'll use the magic power of my wishes. Hahahaha—"

"But the plaque says you're only a one wish doll."

"—hahahaha… What?" The words sank in and the doll's mouth dropped until it hit the floor. The rest of it soon followed as it began kicking and screaming in a temper tantrum on the floor. "Ahhh! It's not fair! Without any wish granting abilities, I'll be forced to run for public office to make everyone miserable! It's just not f—"

Ranma stepped on the demonic doll. Hard.

Stunned, it was easy for the pig-tailed martial artist to toss the doll back into its display case, then hammer several nails in the case to seal it shut.

"Serves you right for not giving me a wish," Ranma complained bitterly. He turned to Ryouga. "Let's keep looking for ninja."

The two exited the room, only to come immediately upon an attractive teenage girl that was walking through the room and examining the various exhibits. They saw that she had her long black hair drawn back in a single ponytail and wore only a short pink skirt with two thin matching pieces of cloth that went up and over the shoulders, barely covering her ample assets, and a pair of short pink boots.

Ranma and Ryouga moved in front of her. Ranma looked at her suspiciously and said, "Who are you?"

The girl bowed before them. "My name is… Why, hello there, stretch. Just hanging around, huh?"

Ryouga suddenly realized the wide smile that nearly split her face into two was directed towards him. Or more specifically, what was between his legs. Giving an, "Ack!" Ryouga quickly zipped up.


Ryouga zipped more slowly this time, a full blush covering his pain-filled face.

"ImsorryIforgotitwasoutintheiopenImnotapervertreally." Ryouga prepared to run away.

"Relax," the girl cooed soothingly. "I can admire a man who's not afraid to show off his packaging," Tai purred as she posed seductively for Ryouga's benefit.

Ryouga's response to this primitive mating ritual was to turn even redder than before and have a trickle of blood start to flow from his nose.

Ranma, completely incensed at Ryouga getting a wish and receiving all of the attention of the new girl, took charge of the situation. "You still haven't told me who you are."

"I'm the curator," Tai said as she put her clever disguise into effect. She pointed to the nametag, stuck to the material over her left breast, which clearly spelled out in large black letters, 'Curator'. Tai even bounced slightly for Ranma's benefit. She was delighted to see his attention was fully riveted on her jiggling mounds of barely concealed flesh.

Ranma gave a wistful sigh as he examined the girl's chest. Looking at them closely, he was convinced the girl's breasts were bigger than his own cursed form's. It was turning out to be a completely miserable day. Taking a closer look at the rest of her clothing, he said, "You don't look like a curator."

"Oh?" Tai frowned in his direction. "And exactly what is a curator supposed to look like?"

"Ah," Ranma began hesitantly, feeling an all-too familiar sensation creep up on him.

"You've never even seen a curator before, have you?"

A sheen of sweat broke out over Ranma's brow. "Well, no."

"So how can you say I don't look like a curator if you've never seen one?"

Ranma began to panic. It was just like when he talked with Akane or the other girls and was losing the conversation. "I don't know."

"It's because I have a big chest, isn't it?"

"No." Ranma tried to get out more, but was cut off by Tai.

The kunoichi sniffled slightly. "It's the same thing everywhere I go. People make assumptions that I'm stupid because of the size of my breasts. You probably think the only job someone like me could get is as a bimbo secretary."

Ranma shook his head ferociously, and was about to say more, when Ryouga turned on him, shouting. "How dare you imply this nice girl is too stupid to be a curator and would only be good as a bimbo secretary!"

"I never said that!" Ranma insisted.

"Prepare to die!" Ryouga attacked Ranma, and the fight was on.

Tai's tears dried up instantly, and she watched in amusement as the two fought their way into another room. B.J. didn't know what she was talking about. This disguise stuff was just too easy.

Akane and Kodachi finished fusing the grating to the sewers shut with a couple of acetylene torches that had been salvaged from a workbench in the basement. Several very heavy statues that had been left in storage were soon repositioned on top of the grating. Once finished, all of the girls breathed a sigh of relief.

"Why didn't we just fuse it shut in the first place?" Ukyou asked.

"Because you didn't think of it," Kodachi shot back.

Akane sighed. She had no desire to get involved in a brawl between the two. Shampoo had apparently already wandered off on her own, which meant it would be all right for her to do so as well.

Akane said, "See you around," to the squabbling pair, who were so involved in their fight that they didn't even realize Akane had said a word. Akane made her way up to the ground level of the museum, hoping to come across Ranma and tell him what had happened.

Akane made her through the incredibly large museum, taking some time to look at the exhibits while keeping an eye open for any intruders. It almost seemed larger on the inside than it did on the outside. Her wandering brought her to a room where she found a copy of the Necronomicon on display. Interesting. Akane hadn't thought the book was particularly famous, especially since Kasumi had a copy of her own that she kept stored next to some of her cookbooks.

As Akane admired some of the artwork on the walls, all of it reminiscent of something out of a Stephen King novel, she heard the gentle squeaking of wheels come from one of the rooms connecting to the exhibit she was currently in. Upon following the noise to the adjacent room, she saw that the cause of the disturbance was an older man. He had a long gray mustache and beard, wore a set of dusty, dull green workman's clothes, and pushed a waist high circular tube that held a variety of mops, brooms, and other long handled tools necessary for cleaning.

"Can I help you, Miss?" the man asked in a tired voice that held the weight of years within it.

"Not really. I was just checking out the noise," Akane said, then remembering her manners, explained, "My name is Akane Tendou. I've been hired as special security for tonight."

"I see. Have fun." The man bowed slightly, turned, and began to walk off, limping noticeably as he made his way towards the exhibit room Akane had just left behind. Just as he was almost to the opening between the rooms, one of the benches people used to sit on to relax and enjoy the displays came hurtling at him. Nimbly he leaped over the object, not allowing it to get within a foot of him.

He fell into a guard stance next to his broom holder. "How did you know?" he asked Akane, his voice now sounding youthful and feminine.

"You're wearing black soft-toe Nike ninja slippers. No janitor in the world would wear something like that," Akane answered.

The old man frowned. "Curses. I just got those today and wanted to break them in, so I decided to take a chance that no one would notice." He ripped off his coveralls, his face momentarily obscured by the clothing. When the coveralls cleared his form, Akane found herself confronted by a girl wearing a gaudy looking pea green and red ninja outfit.

Akane recoiled in horror "What happened to you? Did you lose a bet?"

"Excuse me," B.J. said, clearly offended. "This happens to be what every stylish ninja is wearing nowadays."

"You mean the stylish colorblind ones," Akane retorted.

B.J smiled underneath her mask in spite of the insult. Not only did this little martial artist obviously not know who she was dealing with, but her taste in clothing was just plain drab. A plain white gi and red belt to tie it off? Please. Those were the sorts of colors that sent people to sleep.

Likewise, the fool probably thought the kunoichi was at her mercy, but a true ninja was never defenseless. B.J. had her best weapon hidden inside the nearby can she was using to keep her janitorial tools in. It was one of the reasons she had chosen to go in a janitorial disguise. Her granduncle and all of the other students had told her it was improper for a ninja to use such a weapon, but she knew the truth. They were just jealous of her weapon superiority.

Slowly, almost imperceptibly, B.J. reached behind her while keeping her eyes riveted to Akane. B.J. felt her fingers embrace the handle of the item as she pulled it out of the can. She brought it before her, wielding it with two hands. This was the best part, seeing the terrified reaction her opponents would give when they saw the awesome weapon in the kunoichi's hands.

"What are planning to do with that? It's not like I'm a giant dust bunny, you know," Akane said as she rolled her eyes at the weapon.

B.J. took a careful look at what she had pulled out of the can. How the hell was she supposed to beat anyone with a broom? She slapped her forehead in disgust. Apparently she had disguised her weapon a little too well. She pulled out another handle, only to see it was a mop.

"Damn it! I know it's in here somewhere." She bent into the can, trying to see the bottom. She was more than halfway in when she felt someone grab her legs, hoist her up in the air, then let go so that she was trapped upside down in the can.

Akane watched the kunoichi's legs kick back and forth, smiling in satisfaction. She gave the can a swift kick. The force of the blow wheeled it quickly across the marble floor, slamming into a wall, hard. The can fell over so that the ninja, whose upper body was still inside, was sitting on her rump.

Akane slapped her hands together. That was easy. She couldn't believe how much time she and the others had wasted in their anti-ninja training. If this was an example of how tough these self-proclaimed 'Sexy Ninja Girls' were, then Akane could have stopped them all single-handedly.

Just as Akane was about to leave the room, the air was suddenly filled with the high grating sound of something being torn asunder. Her eyes widened as she saw a shaft of gleaming metal rip through the top of the can. It worked its way down, severing the metal can in half as though it were made out of tissue paper. The gaudy kunoichi regained her feet, holding the weapon with two hands. Now that Akane got an unrestricted view of it, she saw that it was a six-foot tall two-handed sword, nearly five inches wide and with a serrated edge to it opposite the sharp edge. Engraved on the side was a set of ancient-looking runes, blazing with an eerie blue light of their own. Clearly Akane could see the runes made out the words, 'Pigsticker II'.

That wasn't good.

"Now you've had it!" B.J. shouted as she brought the sword to bear in Akane's direction.

"That thing is nearly six feet tall. The can it was in was only about four feet high. It couldn't possibly fit in there," Akane protested.

"Right. I'm so sure you've never pulled something too large out of too small a space as well."

Akane shifted uncomfortably. "Okay. Maybe I have done things like that every now and then," she admitted. "But ninja don't use giant two-handed swords. It's just not done. Now if you were a European knight, or maybe even a samurai, it would work. But for a ninja to try to use such a thing is downright improper."

"Wrong. I am a ninja, and I can use this sword. Watch." B.J. swung the weapon at Akane. The youngest Tendou girl barely got out of the way of the stroke. "See what I mean? Now stand still. If I get my swing right, I'll cut you in half cleanly instead of having the serrated side catch your entrails and rip them out of your body, throwing them halfway across the room so you can die a horrible, painful, and really messy death. I mean, I have mops and everything to clean up the mess, but I'd rather not have to bother with doing that, if you know what I mean."

Akane leaped out of the way of the next sword stroke. "I think I'm going to run instead." She took off. It was time to find Ranma and get him to help her. He was good at that sort of thing. She could be taken seriously as a martial artist next time.

B.J. pouted as Akane began to run away. "Get back here and get disemboweled, you inconsiderate wretch." B.J. took up the chase, sword swinging.

Mai moved without a sound through the various rooms containing the exhibits to the museum. Something was horribly wrong. Evidently they had stolen the wrong set of blueprints, for nothing in the entire interior of the museum matched the drawings. Perhaps this was the result of on overnight remodeling job on a scale that was nearly impossible to comprehend. Every room seemed to be out of place, shaped wrong, and just had a creepy sort of feeling in general. Worse, she had yet to discover the location of the Sacred Urn of CaoPatty, the whole purpose to her being there.

Mai silently hoped that neither of her sisters had found it yet. If they managed to get one up on her like that, she would never hear the end of it as the winner would rub it in the face of the other two. Not that Mai would not do the same to them; she just wanted to be the one doing the rubbing. Still, things could have been worse. It wasn't like anyone had discovered her yet.

A hand fell on her shoulder.

Mai hung her head down in shame. She had asked for that one. Apparently Standard Ninja Move Five: Hiding in Plain Sight, wasn't the best technique to infiltrate the museum with.

The kunoichi turned around to see who had cleverly spotted her hiding in plain sight in the middle of one of the exhibit rooms. Mai saw that it was a guy with a spatula slung across his back, accompanied by a girl in a leotard. Judging by their garb, Mai figured them to be maintenance people, most likely.

"Let's get going, Konatsu," Ukyou said as she removed her hand from her waiter's shoulder. It was a good thing he was wearing that yellow ribbon on his arm, or Ukyou might have swung first and asked questions later when she had first spotted the kunoichi walking idly through the room without a care in the world.

In response, Mai pulled a knife from her uniform and brought it back to stab her attacker with. Odd how the chef referred to Mai as "Konatsu" though.

Just as the kunoichi was about to bring her knife forward, a ribbon snaked out from Kodachi and wrapped itself around Mai's arm, preventing her from bringing it forward. A moment later, a spatula met with Mai's head, knocking her unconscious.

"We don't have time for any more anti-ninja training," Ukyou spoke tiredly as she picked the kunoichi up by the back of her outfit and proceeded to drag the unconscious person behind her.

Shampoo looked around in irritation. Where the devil was Ranma anyway? He had said he was going to search the first floor, but she had not seen a single sign of either him or Ryouga. And things had finally started to look up for her too. Akane and the other rivals had undoubtedly been devoured by sewer predators, which would leave Ranma all to herself. Shampoo knew she had to move fast before either of the two fathers tried engaging Nabiki or Kasumi to Ranma. The two older men were quick on their feet, to be sure. There was only going to be a small window of opportunity for her to make her move.

Shampoo was still searching for Ranma when she spotted Tai looking around the exhibits. Seeing what the unfamiliar girl was wearing, Shampoo drew her bonbori and placed herself between the girl and the nearest exit.

"Who you?" Shampoo asked as she waved the bonbori menacingly before her.

Tai smirked. A stupid top-heavy bimbo with the same crappy taste in hair color that B.J. usually displayed with clothing. It would be easy to fool her. "I am a curator." She thrust her nametag, and chest, forward.

Shampoo read the nametag. "You no look like curator."

"Have you ever seen a curator?" Tai shot back.

"Yes. Shampoo been to museum before weird remodeling and meet curator. You no look like him, unless you lose fifty years and get sex change."

Tai began to sweat. Okay, so it turned out there was a hole in her plan to infiltrate the museum. It wasn't too late. She could still outsmart the bimbo. "The old curator is on vacation. I'm the new one. It just so happens that a museum can't get by without a curator."

That seemed to alleviate Shampoo's suspicions as she lowered her bonbori. "Oh, is good. then. For a second, Shampoo was afraid you was one of people who send challenge letter to museum."

"Well, I certainly sent no challenge letter," Tai assured her. What an idiot.

The Amazon nodded. "You no fit profile. Shampoo saw letter and who was going to be here. Shampoo remember it signed by 'Three Stupid Ninja Girls'."

"We signed it 'Three Sexy Ninja Girls,' not 'Three Stupid Ninja Girls', you bimbo!" Tai slapped her hands over her mouth as she saw Shampoo level her bonbori at her again. Oh, pooh. She really hoped her granduncle didn't hear about this one.

"Humph. Stupid Ninja Girl is better name," Shampoo smirked back. What a stupid top-heavy bimbo. How could she possibly think someone as smart and observant as the pride of the Amazons would have fallen for such a transparent disguise? Even Ryouga wouldn't have been stupid enough to fall for it.

Shampoo leveled her bonbori towards the bimbo ninja. She didn't look like much. The Amazon would be able to handle her easily enough. And then she could take the girl's unconscious carcass to Ranma and show her husband what a great and brilliant warrior she was. It was too easy.

Like B.J. before her, Tai took off her disguise. (Yes, she threw the nametag to the ground. Now be quiet.)

Tai fell back on her heels, ready to begin the magnificent duel between her and her opponent. "I am Tai Hashimoto, The Greatest and Most Beautiful Ninja Girl To Ever Grace This World, with my two sisters coming in a distant second."

Shampoo gave a loud snort of indignation at that. "And Shampoo is Shampoo, greatest warrior of her generation of her tribe of Amazons of Joketsuzoku."

Tai's heard jerked back at the proclamation. "I've heard of your kind before." Her voice dropped dramatically as she began. "From the deepest, darkest isles in Greece, there exists a tribe of warrior women—"

"No, no, no." Shampoo quickly corrected. "You is thinking of Greek Amazons. We is Chinese Amazons."

"Oh," Tai said, and then began again. "I've heard of your kind before. From the deepest, darkest isles of China, there exists a tribe of warrior women—"

"No, no, no. We is inland."

"Right." Tai began again. "I've heard of your kind before. From the deepest, darkest middle region of China, there exists a tribe of warrior women who are dedicated to the subjugation of men—"

"No, no, no. We give up that silly stuff long ago. We get along with mens well now. Womans is still in charge, but we no subjugate anymore. Is just bad press we still get."

"Can I finish?" Tai asked.

Realizing her poor manners, Shampoo nodded her head shamefully. "Sorry. You finish. Shampoo no interrupt anymore."

Tai cleared her throat. "Now, as I was saying, I've heard of your kind before. From the deepest, darkest middle region of China, there exists a tribe of warrior women who are dedicated to no longer subjugating men and being a pack of really tough bitches no one wants to mess with."

Shampoo nodded in agreement and indicated Tai should continue.

"Their battle prowess is second to none. It's even said that if an Amazon defeats one in combat, the defeated person has… to… marry… them." Tai paled and brought her hands to her face in fright. "Oh my god! You're trying to marry me!"

Shampoo let out in exasperated sigh. "No, no, no. Stupid Ninja Girl get it all wrong. It not if outsider defeated by Amazon tha—"

Tai was beyond listening as a fear greater than that of being forced to have breast reduction surgery overcame her. "You sick and disgusting evil Amazon lesbian! You will never have my stunning and sexy body!"

"You no listening," Shampoo tried getting more in, moving closer to the girl. "It not if girl defeated by Amazon they have to marry—"

Tai saw Shampoo moving closer and panicked. She pulled out a giant wooden mallet and proceeded to strike Shampoo repeatedly in the head with it, screaming, "Don't touch me! I'm straight, you repulsive pervert! Find another lesbian to molest! Keep away from me! I'm a good girl! Wahhhh!"

Tai stopped the beating and ran off, bawling her eyes out and leaving the mallet buried on top of Shampoo, who was pounded half way into the floor of the museum. As Shampoo's eyes uncrossed and she realized what had just happened, she softly intoned, "Someone is getting Kiss of Death for sure this time."

Mai had resigned herself to traveling with the two other girls by now. Three attacks (which the duo seemed to think of as 'anti-ninja training') that were easily countered and resulted in Mai suffering from head bashing attacks, left her convinced just to allow things go on as they were until a decent opportunity to escape presented itself. Besides, she was in no apparent danger from the two girls. Evidently she was a dead ringer for someone named Konatsu, (although Mai was sure she was much prettier than any other kunoichi), and the girls had taken Mai into their confidence as such. All Mai had to do was not say a word. She lacked B.J.'s uncanny ability to mimic anyone's voice, and Mai doubted she sounded a thing like this Konatsu person. Luckily, Konatsu must have been a very quiet kunoichi. Besides, the two fools might lead her to the Sacred Urn of CaoPatty, and then Mai would be able to make a break for it for sure.

Currently, Kodachi, the leotard one, was using a restroom while Mai was left outside with Ukyou, the cross-dresser with the utensil fetish. Definitely two weirdoes, those girls were.


It took Mai a moment to remember that she was supposed to be Konatsu. She turned, seeing a look of trepidation on Ukyou's face. Mai cocked her head curiously in response.

There was turmoil in Ukyou's voice as she saw she had the kunoichi's attention and continued. "I've been thinking lately about my relationship with Ranchan. Thinking a lot actually, and I'm beginning to get worried. Since you're the only friend I have besides Ranchan, and since I can't really discuss this with him, I thought I could talk to you about it."

Great. Just what Mai needed. 'Personal Confessions of the Really Weird'.

"I've always thought Ranchan, I mean Ranma, really loved me most of all. I mean, I knew him first, and I was engaged to him first. Akane doesn't count because he wasn't actually engaged to her; it was just some ambiguous thing his father cooked up. He even called me the cute fiancée after he was engaged to Akane."

Mai's brows knitted in concentration. This Ranma called a cross-dressing girl cute? Boy, either this Akane was a major dog or the guy was a real weirdo. If Ukyou was a guy, she could see how the chef could be termed handsome, she had very bishonen features, (and Mai did not. Which she would prove by beating the crap out of anyone who suggested such a thing) but cute as a girl? No. Ukyou left a lot to be desired, like femininity. Mai had more of it in one silky leg than this girl had in her whole body.

Ukyou continued. "But sometimes it almost seems as though he doesn't always think of me first and foremost. Sometimes he's downright inconsiderate of my feelings, not that he's the most sensitive guy in the world, but sometimes he's just plain callous."

All guys are like that, Mai thought. Sometimes they even were ignorant enough to imply that a girl who was flat-chested was undesirable, as though a woman's breast size mattered a lick of how feminine she was.

"And lately, I've begun to wonder. Sometimes I think he looks at Akane with a lot more caring than he does at me. At first I thought I was just being paranoid, because I know Ranma loves me, but lately, I've began to wonder. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Ranma likes her more than me. Maybe he doesn't really want to marry me. Maybe he's just trying to figure out a way to let me down gently without hurting my feelings. Maybe I should give up on him rather than suffer more humiliation at his hands for being led on and then rejected yet again by him."

Mai saw that there were tears beginning to well in Ukyou's eyes as her voice trembled with emotion. Truly the girl was on the verge of a major decision in her life. Mai found herself sympathizing and wanted to give Ukyou words of consolation, but she couldn't blow her cover. So Mai settled for the only thing she could do, something that could not help but point Ukyou in the exact direction her life needed to go so that her spirit could advance and rise again.

Mai shrugged her shoulders.

Ukyou held her head downward, her voice trembling as she said, "You're right. I know now what I must do. I've only been fooling myself."

So that was it then. A wave of sympathy washed over Mai. Longing to comfort the chef, the kunoichi moved towards her. She raised her hand to embrace Ukyou in a sisterly show of affection. Her hand was no more than an inch away when Ukyou's head suddenly shot up and she raised her fist to the sky.

"Of course Ranchan loves me more than them! I can't believe I actually thought that he would choose some psycho, bimbo, or tomboy over me! I can see clearly now more than ever that I'm the only real choice for him! It is our destiny to be of one flesh! I shall rededicate myself to marrying him and let nothing stand in my way!"

Ukyou turned to Mai, her eyes blazing. "And I couldn't have come to this choice without your sound advice. I owe this decision all to you. Now I have just one more important question to ask, and don't worry about hurting my feelings. I need to know the cold, hard, brutal truth."

Fearful of the clearly insane girl, Mai nodded her head, indicating Ukyou should continue.

"Do you think I should wear the tux to the wedding, or should Ranchan?"

Mai facefaulted.

Tai continued running through the corridors of the museum, desperately trying to escape the evil Amazon lesbian that was no doubt stalking her, coming up with all sorts of lascivious ideas of what sexually perverse things to do to Tai. It was almost too much for her poor heart to bear. Oh, to fall prey to the dealings of the sexually deviant, and all because she was irresistible to both sexes. What a heavy burden one so young and beautiful had to carry.

Kunou, Konatsu, and Mousse, all looked up to see a girl running towards them at top speed. Kunou was the first to speak.  "Look, that curator appears to be frightened by something."

"That's no curator. That's a kunoichi," Konatsu warned as he leapt into action.

Kunou looked again at the girl. "She looks like a curator to me. What do you think?" he asked Mousse.

Mousse shrugged. "Looks like a curator to me too. See if she has a nametag. That's the only way to be sure."

Kunou and Mousse began to move forward at last.

Tai saw that she wasn't being pursued by the pervert, and looked forward at the room she had just rushed into. Her eyes bulged as she recognized her sister, Mai (by the uniform, golden ribbon on her arm, and flat chest), running towards her at top speed being pursued by two men.

"I'll save you. Get ready for move Sixty-Three," Tai shouted. At last she had an opportunity to employ one of her very own specialized maneuvers that she had developed on her own. Actually, she had well over a hundred unique moves that were highly effective in most combat situation, from one on two fights, to fighting off a horde of attackers. True, her sisters didn't seem to care much for the moves since each one involved using them as weapons and tended to leave them the worse for wear, but sacrifices had to be made in combat.

Tai was surprised to see Mai actually complying with her request by thrusting her arm forward, though it almost appeared she was aiming a fist at Tai. Still, extending the arm helped make the maneuver the awesome offensive weapon that it was.

Moving with extraordinary speed, Tai ducked under the arm and grabbed it by the elbow. She bent down and picked up the overextended kunoichi by the ankle, then stood up and proceeded to spin around in a circle, picking up speed with the pirouette. Tai could hear Mai shouting something about losing her lunch. "Quit crying, you big baby. We'll take out these clowns for sure."

At the moment of maximum speed, Tai released the hold on her burden and allowed the kunoichi fly in the direction of the opposition. She watched as both men stood still, obviously in shock at the elegance of the maneuver, and went down in a heap from the force of Tai's makeshift projectile as it hit them head on.

"Yahoo!" Tai jumped up and down, giving a healthy dose of fan service to everyone in the room. "I leave the rest in your capable hands," she shouted to her 'partner', as Tai ran off to escape the clutches of the lesbian that was no doubt still in hot pursuit of her.

Konatsu's body ached as he raised himself up out of the pile of bodies on the floor. He had been caught off-guard like a rank amateur. Such a mistake was unforgivable. "I profusely apologize for my failure," Konatsu said as he bowed before the slowly rising Kunou and Mousse. "I shall not allow it to happen again."

"Do you believe such hollow words would mask your base treachery?" Kunou thrust his bokken in Konatsu's direction.

"What do you mean?" the ninja asked, taken aback by his ally's attitude.

Mousse joined with Kunou in pointing an accusatory finger in Konatsu's direction. "We heard you discussing that move with the girl and then you helped her attack us. It's obvious you're in league with these ninjettes."

"Kunoichi," Konatsu corrected.

"Whatever," Mousse growled as a set of razor-sharp blades extended from the folds of his sleeves.

Konatsu began to stammer out an explanation. "How could you think I'm league with them? She just picked me up and threw me at you."

"Save your treacherous words for those less blind. We can see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears the truth of the matter." Kunou thrust his bokken in Konatsu's direction.

Konatsu shook his head in open disbelief. "You two really are complete morons."

"Ha! Such unmerited criticism from one so perverted affects me quite little, I'm afraid," Kunou countered.

"Now prepare to pay the price for your backstabbing, traitor," Mousse warned as both he and Kunou charged the young ninja. Left with no other recourse in action, Konatsu did the only thing he could do and ran. As the other two kept hot on his heels, the ninja had to ask himself exactly what he had done to deserve this.


To be continued.

Chapter 4
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